Wanting Memories
by surrexi
Summary: Post-S2 Finale - Sydney lost more than two years. Now she must remember everything - before she loses it all over again. *Ch 3 up!*
1. The Telling

Title: Wanting Memories   
Author: Liz (liz@endlessdreams.net)   
Distribution: my site, ff.net, Cover Me. All others see profile.   
Rating: PG/PG-13   
Spoilers/Timeline: Post-S2 Finale   
Ship: Syd/Vaughn   
Summary: Sydney lost more than two years. Now she must remember everything - before she loses it all over again. 

************   
Part One - The Telling   
************ 

_When he walked into the room they were keeping me in, for one blessed moment, everything was all right. Just one look at his face, and for a moment I could believe that everything was going to be okay. He was there, and that was all that mattered. _

But he didn't look at me the way I looked at him. He was pale, his eyes haunted. I refused to process how reserved he was, so my mind simply jumped topics. 

"They doubled Francie." 

"I know." 

"What happened to Will? To Francie? Are they dead?" 

"Will's okay." 

"What? How?" 

"You…Sit down." 

I sat, my mind racing. Will was okay? The last time I'd seen him he was sitting in a pool of blood in my bathtub. He hadn't said anything about Francie. That probably meant that – Vaughn still hadn't said anything, and he still looked at me as if I was a ghost. 

"Vaughn?" 

"We thought you were dead. They asked me to come back to…to explain." 

"Come back from what? What are you talking about?" 

He rubbed his face with his hand like he always does when he has no clue what to say. When he's afraid of the consequences of what he has to say. And then I noticed it. 

"Vaughn," I said shakily. "Why are you wearing that ring?" 

"Syd…since that night…you were missing…you've been missing for almost two years." 

The bottom dropped out of my world as he said those words. I don't know if I'll ever get it back. 

************ 

Sydney stared incredulously at Vaughn. 

"What…what do you mean I've been missing for almost two years?" she stuttered, eyes widening. 

Vaughn simply stared at her, his shattered expression mirroring her own. 

"Oh, God," she mumbled, putting her head between her knees to combat the rising dizziness and nausea. "Oh, God. God, this cannot be happening. I could not have lost two years of my life!" 

Vaughn cleared his throat convulsively, and Sydney looked up. 

"What?" 

"You don't remember anything since…" He trailed off, and Sydney sat up straight, her dizziness replaced by a mind bracing for even worse news. 

"Since I passed out surrounded by broken glass after shooting some woman who looked just like my best friend but wasn't, after seeing my other best friend lying in my bathtub in a pool of his own blood!" 

Vaughn looked slightly taken aback at the vehemence of Sydney's response. 

"Sorry," she murmured. "Stress is taking over." 

"That's really the last thing you remember?" Vaughn pressed, his eyes even more intense than usual. 

"I wouldn't lie to you, Vaughn." He nodded. "Vaughn, you're holding something back. Give it all to me now. If I take it all at once, it might not hurt as much." 

"You lost more than two years, Sydney," Vaughn finally said. 

Sydney's face changed little as she fought to keep her emotions inside. But she couldn't keep her sudden fear out of her voice. "How…how much time did I lose?" 

Vaughn sighed and stood up, reached into his pocket then sat down beside her. "This is yours," he said quietly. He took her hand and put a small object in her open palm, then closed it around the object. She glanced at him oddly, then opened her hand. She found herself looking at a small gold ring, and transferred her confused gaze to Vaughn. 

"Read what it says." 

Sydney held the ring up so she could read the inscription. "Out of the darkness, light. July 4, 2004." She looked at Vaughn quizzically. 

"The inscription was my idea. I once told you that in our job you see darkness, but you can't let it touch you. When I found you and Allison and Will, and you woke up…I picked you up and you clung to me. It was so dark in your head, you said. You told me that I was your light." Vaughn looked down at his hands, where he was unconsciously playing with his own gold ring. "You were so beautiful," he said, his eyes going smoky with memories. "I've never seen you look so happy…you literally glowed. It wasn't just America's Independence Day. It was yours and mine." 

Sydney's eyes widened in horror as she realized just how much she'd forgotten. She opened her mouth to speak, but all she could manage was a broken repetition of Vaughn's name. He reached out and touched her cheek. 

"Your father wanted to wait until September to have the wedding. Fall weddings were so pretty, he said. But you were adamant. We were free, and we were _Patriots_. We would be married on our country's birthday." 

"My father wanted us to wait because fall weddings were _prettier_?" 

Vaughn laughed. "It's an odd thought, isn't it? He softened a lot between the day you fought the double and the day we got married." 

Sydney mulled over that for a moment. "You still haven't told me how much time I lost." 

"We were married a little over a year after the last thing you remember. Then six months later…I came home from hockey practice and you were gone. All your things were still there. There was no sign of a struggle. You were just gone." Vaughn sighed and looked at his hands before transferring his gaze to Sydney's face. "But your wedding ring was sitting on the kitchen table with a note." Vaughn's face turned bleak, and Sydney hesitated, then asked. 

"What did it say?" 

"Darkness swallows the light." 

Sydney allowed herself to gaze into Vaughn's bleak face, searching for something she wasn't sure she'd recognize when she saw it. What she did see was the anguish Vaughn must have gone through when he'd come home to an empty house instead of a waiting wife. 

"So I've lost over three years." 

"Almost four." 

Sydney nodded. "I want to go home." 


	2. Reminiscences

Title: Wanting Memories   
Author: Liz (liz@endlessdreams.net)   
Distribution: my site, ff.net, Cover Me. All others see profile.   
Rating: PG/PG-13   
Spoilers/Timeline: Post-S2 Finale   
Ship: Syd/Vaughn   
Summary: Sydney lost more than two years. Now she must remember everything - before she loses it all over again.   
A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Keep it up, it feeds the muse ;) 

************   
Part Two - Reminiscences   
************ 

_I remember that day like it was yesterday, even if Syd can't. It was a Friday. Hockey practice had gone well, but my mind was on the special night I knew Syd had planned. We were going to go to Santa Barbara again, to the hotel we'd retreated to for a good month as soon as Will was stable enough for Syd to feel comfortable leaving his side. It was our sanctuary, and we wanted to get away again. _

I stopped by the local family-owned grocery store to pick up some snacks to bring with us. 

"Hey Mike!" the owner, a friend of ours, exclaimed when I came in. "What you up to?" 

"Syd and I are going down to Santa Barbara tonight. I wanted to pick up a few things for the trip." 

"Celebrating anniversaries already? Aren't you six months early?" 

I grinned. "We wanted to get a head start. How are you and Lorraine doing?" 

"Just fine," he said as he rang up the items I handed him. "You and Sydney should come over for dinner sometime. I know Lorraine would love to bend Syd's ear about Dickens and Austen again." 

"The perils of being married to English majors," I replied with a smile. 

"Wouldn't want to live without them, though." 

"Never." 

But I had to. 

The house felt different the moment I walked in. It felt empty, lonely. 

"Syd?" I called out. There was no answer. No matter how many times I screamed her name, there was never any answer. Neither did I find her anywhere in the house. She was simply gone. 

I was simply shattered. 

************ 

Vaughn led a still very shaken Sydney out of the safe house and into a waiting car. 

"You'll have to undergo some psych evaluations, physical evaluations…you know the drill." 

Sydney nodded mutely. 

"Jack and Will are going to be waiting at the airfield when we fly in. CIA's still trying to figure out how to announce that you're still alive…or if they're going to announce it at all." 

"I'm not going into the Witness Protection Program, Vaughn." 

"I know. We just have to convince Devlin." 

Sydney gave a small snort. 

"There's my girl," Vaughn said with a grin. "Never did give an inch, even to your boss." 

Sydney smiled as the car began to move. She looked down at her hands then, where she still held her wedding ring. She hadn't put it on yet. She almost felt as if it was a dream. She would put the ring on and be happy and then Vaughn would tell her he was sorry, but it was all a misunderstanding, even though they had been married two years ago, now he was married to someone else. 

Vaughn saw how she stared at her ring. "You don't have to put it on if you don't want to – I know you don't remember being married…" 

Sydney looked up. "I'm just afraid…that if I put it on, I'll wake up from a dream. It won't be real. Or that…that someone will pop out of the woodwork and tell me that it's all big misunderstanding and you're married to a _different_ Sydney Bristow." 

Vaughn reached out and touched Sydney's cheek gently. "There's only ever been you, Sydney Anne Vau…" he trailed off when he realized he was about to call her by her married name. 

"Did I change my name?" she asked in a curious tone. 

Vaughn pulled his hand back. "You did. I was a little surprised, actually. Pleased, happy. But surprised. You wanted to, though." 

Sydney thought for a moment. "Yes. I can see why I would." She turned the ring around, looking at it from all angles, and murmured, "Sydney Anne Vaughn." Then she looked up into Vaughn's face. "It sounds beautiful…perfect." 

"That's exactly what you said right after you signed the paperwork to change it." 

Sydney opened her mouth to reply, but then the car stopped and Vaughn glanced quickly out the window. 

"We're here." He smiled gently at Sydney, then hopped out of the car and offered her a hand. Clutching her ring in one hand, she reached out to Vaughn with the other and stepped out onto the tarmac. A large plane was waiting nearby. 

"All that for us?" 

"Well, you know how it is." 

Sydney nodded. "I remember." 

Vaughn spoke to the driver of the car for a few moments, then placed his hand on the small of Sydney's back and gently led her towards the plane. 

"There should be some kind of bed that you can catch some sleep in, if you want." 

"I've had enough sleep to last me a long time," Sydney said dryly. "Even though I was obviously awake for a good portion of the last four years…it still feels almost as if I slept through them." Sydney glanced at Vaughn from the corner of her eye. "Don't let me keep you up, though, if you need sleep." She noted for the first time just how fatigued he looked. "You didn't sleep at all on the way here, did you?" 

Vaughn smiled ruefully as they began to climb the stairs into the plane. "You know me too well, Syd. No, I didn't." He glanced at her as he stepped onto the plane. "Now…I have a feeling I'm in for quite a few sleepless nights." 

Sydney was silent as they entered the plane, a guilty look slipping its way onto her face. 

"It's not your fault, Syd." 

"You always were good at reading my emotions right off my face." 

Vaughn grinned. "I do my best." 

The plane was comfortably appointed, though by no means the height of luxury. Still, it was good enough for Sydney. Certainly better than a cold alleyway or a sad safe house. 

"Vaughn?" 

"Syd." 

"What did they call you back from?" 

Vaughn sighed. "Essentially…retirement. But I was still officially on the payroll of our friends the CIA." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Well, the CIA started up a front business as a small security systems company, and chose me to run it. I'm a veritable entrepreneur." 

"And you were…happy…with that?" 

Vaughn sighed. "I was never happy after the night you went missing. But the CIA decided after a year that I was more of a liability in the field than a help because I always seemed to be keeping an eye out for you. Even after they said you were dead. I didn't believe it, but they insisted. We had a ceremony and everything." Vaughn's eyes clouded with remembered pain. "They gave the flag to Jack. Eric thought they should have given it to me, but Jack…he's lost without you." 

Sydney held up a hand. "Two things. What made them so sure I was dead? And my dad…isn't well?" 

"There was evidence that you were abducted by Arvin Sloane. Possibly in cooperation with Irina Derevko." Vaughn paused while Sydney absorbed that information. "They felt that since they hadn't been contacted with ransom information, you had probably been killed." Sydney nodded, and Vaughn continued. "Your father…well, he just hasn't been the same. He was always a little cold, but now he's like ice. At least in public. He's broken down in front of me a couple times, and it wasn't pretty. You were his world, Sydney. Everything he did was motivated by a desire to protect you, to make the time when you could quit the spy life come sooner." 

"I know," Sydney said quietly. 

They sat silently for a few moments, until the plane began to taxi to the runway. Sydney stiffened slightly, but Vaughn noticed. 

"Syd, what's wrong?" 

Sydney looked up at Vaughn with wide eyes. "I…" she began, then fell silent and glanced out the small window. 

"Sydney?" 

"It's silly." 

Vaughn reached out and lightly touched Sydney's cheek. "Can't be," he said simply. 

"I'm afraid to go back. Afraid of what I'll find." 

Vaughn's eyes registered pain and sadness as he pulled her into his arms. "It's understandable. But you don't need to be afraid. I'm with you, and I won't let anyone hurt you again." 

Sydney pulled back slightly, struck by something about the tone of his voice. "This isn't your fault, Vaughn." 

Vaughn's face colored a little, and he looked away. She gently put her hand on his cheek and made him look her in the eye. "It's not." 

"If you say so," he replied, unconvinced. Sydney sighed, then decided a change of subject was in order. She dropped her hand from his cheek and slipped her fingers smoothly through his. 

"Tell me about Will and Francie." 


	3. Almost Doesn't Count

Title: Wanting Memories   
Author: Liz (liz@endlessdreams.net)   
Distribution: my site, ff.net, Cover Me. All others see profile.   
Rating: PG/PG-13   
Spoilers/Timeline: Post-S2 Finale   
Ship: Syd/Vaughn   
Summary: Sydney lost more than two years. Now she must remember everything - before she loses it all over again.   
A/N: Feedback feeds the muse ;) Thanks for what you've given her so far! 

*************   
Part Three - Almost Doesn't Count   
************ 

_When I came to in my bedroom, I was surrounded by controlled chaos. There were men all around me, taking care of Allison's body, looking for various bits of evidence, and cleaning up the mess we'd left in our wake. The edges of my vision were cloudy, I was dizzy even though I was still lying down. He was my anchor. _

"Sydney, God, Sydney," he was repeating, over and over as he leaned above me. He wasn't looking at my face when I opened my eyes; he was scanning my body, assessing all my injuries. I knew there were many. Even if I hadn't been able to feel each and every one of them, they were numbered in the wrinkles lining Michael Vaughn's ever-expressive forehead. I reached up gingerly and caressed them fondly. His clear, worry-filled eyes snapped to my hazy, pain-filled ones. 

"Syd?" 

"It's so dark in my head…so dark… You're my light," I said thickly, my voice blocked by tears never to be shed. 

"What?" he asked shakily, picking me up and carrying me out of the room. 

"You're my light," I repeated. Then I slipped back into unconsciousness as he lay me gently down onto the ambulance stretcher and held my hand as if it was his only tie to life. 

The way he told me about it on the plane, it almost felt like a memory. 

Almost. 

************ 

"The next time you woke up," Vaughn continued, "Jack, Eric, Dixon, Marshall, and I were all sitting around your hospital bed." Vaughn chuckled. "You took one look at us and said 'Look at all your faces! I must be about to die!'" 

Sydney smiled a little at that. "Will?" she pressed. 

"Will was in intensive care. Allison had stabbed him, then simply left him in the bathtub. We think…well, we think she almost _wanted_ him to be found before he died." 

Sydney sat up a little straighter and looked at Vaughn incredulously. "What?" 

"Well, once Will was better, he told us that when she stabbed him, she was essentially weeping. That when she was carrying him to the bathroom and he was going in and out of consciousness, she kept saying 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.' The theory is she actually started developing feelings for him while posing as Francie." 

Sydney digested this information slowly. "Like my mother." 

Vaughn gave Sydney an odd look. "My mother loved my father," Sydney said firmly. "She told me so." 

"When did she tell you that?" 

"Every day," Sydney replied without thinking. "Every day, just before she and Sloane left the room, she'd turn back to me and say the same thing. 'I love you, you know. And I loved your father too. One day, you'll believe me.' And then they'd leave." Sydney glanced at Vaughn's face to find him staring at her oddly. "What?" she asked, then comprehension dawned as she realized what she'd said. "Oh God, I remembered something…" 

"I guess you did," Vaughn said quietly. 

"I'm sorry it wasn't you, Vaughn." 

"Don't be ridiculous, Sydney. Any memory is good. Small steps, Syd. You have to start somewhere, don't you?" 

Sydney reached up and caressed his cheek again. "I guess I do," she said softly, allowing herself her first real smile since she'd awoke in the alley. They spent an endless moment simply staring into each other eyes. _Kiss me_, Sydney thought suddenly. _You understand me more than I understand myself, take all of me._

Vaughn was leaning in to grant Sydney's unspoken request when the plane suddenly jolted a little in some turbulence, and the moment was gone. Sydney slowly closed her eyes and sighed as Vaughn pulled back a little. 

"Well, I guess now we know it was Derevko and Sloane who abducted you." 

Sydney opened her eyes. "What?" 

"Your memory. It was of your mother and Sloane leaving your room." 

Sydney nodded slowly. "So it was." She shook her head. "Four years and all I can remember is my mother, of all people. I don't know how I got away, or if I was released…I don't know why they held me there…" A half-forgotten memory from the days before the fight with Francie's double tickled Sydney's mind, but she was too busy trying to remember things _after_ the fight to pay any attention to memories she could access at her leisure. 

Vaughn, unable to stand seeing his beloved wife in pain, pulled her close and gently stroked her hair. "You'll get your memory back. I promise," he added emphatically. "I promise," he repeated on a whisper. 

"Vaughn?" 

"Just sit with me, Syd. Just sit with me." 

"We didn't make your Santa Barbara reservations, did we?" 

Vaughn laughed haltingly. "Not quite. But as soon as you were well, we went. You felt guilty leaving Will, but he insisted." Vaughn grinned. "In fact, he threatened to go on a hunger strike if we didn't go away." 

"He did that?" 

"He knew you needed a break, and he knew there was no way I was letting you out of my sight for more than five minutes at a go. So he figured he'd be just as fine without you 'hovering over his sickbed' as he put it, as he would be with you there." 

"How nice," Sydney said dryly. 

"He was looking out for you, Syd. You saw that in the end, which is why you went at all." 

Sydney smiled. "I imagined so. Apparently I haven't changed _that_ much." 

************ 

_But she had. _

Her eyes didn't smile up into mine like they did the last time I saw her. She didn't call me Michael anymore like she had since we got engaged. She stiffened every time some one knocked on the door of the cabin to bring in food or drink or blankets. Her wedding ring, the favorite thing of the woman I once knew, the one piece of jewelry she refused to take off for anything…her wedding ring sat in her pocket, unworn for two long years. 

We passed the long flight from Hong Kong to Hawaii in alternating periods of conversation and silence. During the periods of silence she would curl up in my arms and if I closed my eyes and thought hard enough, I could almost imagine that we were curled up in front of our fireplace at home on a crisp winter night, Christmas music in the background and the smell of fresh pine and cinnamon mixed with burning logs in the air. We had a wonderful Christmas our first year – our only year – as a married couple. We'd taken many pictures of our lives after the night she fought Allison. But the album I looked at the most during her long absence was the Christmas album. Sitting there with her, wrapped in the blankets the co-pilot had provided, I could almost imagine myself back in that Christmas. 

Then Sydney would break the period of silence with some question about the time she had missed. I would begin to answer and she would pull slowly out of my arms and turn to face me. Her eyes were wide, and though she tried to hide it, I could see the fear in her eyes. Fear that she would never remember…and fear that she would. 

I can only hope those fears were not mirrored in my own eyes. 

************ 

As the plane began its final descent, Vaughn shifted into briefing mode. "We are about to land at a Hickam Air Force Base, in Hawaii. We'll be taken to the TLF – that's Transient Living Facility, i.e. hotel – on base, where we will spend the next week or so." 

"What?" Sydney interrupted. "I want to get home – see my dad, Will." 

"Jack and Will have been flown to Hickam and are awaiting our arrival at the TLF." 

"I thought we were meeting them in LA! You didn't tell me that we were all coming here!" 

"I didn't know they were coming until that phone call ten minutes ago, and you were sleeping." 

"I was not." 

"You were, trust me. Did you hear my phone ring?" 

Sydney grinned sheepishly. "No." 

"Didn't think so. Now, as I said, we'll be staying about a week at Hickam. We don't want you on a plane for such a long stretch of time immediately after picking you up off the streets of Hong Kong." 

"Of course not," Sydney said dryly. Vaughn gave her a look, and she shrugged. 

"Right. We also wanted you to have time between your psych evals, physicals, etc." 

"How sweet." 

"It has to be done," Vaughn replied, then reached out to touch Sydney's cheek. "I'm sorry, I know it's hard. But it was out of my control…Kendall and Devlin, they wouldn't be convinced that it was safe to bring you back to LA." 

"Safe?" 

"Well…" Vaughn hesitated, scanned Sydney's face searchingly, then sighed. "It was assumed you'd been in Sloane's custody for the past two years. Who knew what you'd been programmed to do upon your return to LA. Or so declared Kendall. Devlin was in agreement." 

Sydney nodded. 

"Jack, Will, and I tried to convince them otherwise. But you know how they get. Buckle your seatbelt, we're about to land." 

Sydney glanced out the window at the crystal blue water rushing up to meet them. "To bad there's no time to go snorkeling," she said jokingly, nodding towards the shoreline now visible. She buckled her seatbelt. "So Will still works for the CIA?" 

Vaughn nodded. "He's our top analyst, to tell you the truth. I know that I should probably feel guilty considering the circumstances under which he came into our employment, but I'm so glad he started working for us. He's the best analyst I've seen." 

Sydney beamed. "That's my Will," she said happily. 

The plane landed, and Vaughn and Sydney were ushered to a waiting car. A young airman drove them to the TLF, then took them to a door. He handed Vaughn a set of keys. "Good luck," he said, apparently having been told something about Sydney and Vaughn, though Vaughn had no clue what he would have been told. "Your associates are waiting inside," he added. Then he strode away. 

"Are you ready?" Vaughn said quietly to Sydney. She took a deep breath and nodded. 

"I'm ready." Vaughn slipped a key in the lock and opened the door. Sydney slipped inside and Vaughn followed. He had barely closed the door when Sydney found herself held tightly in the arms of her father. 

"Oh God, Sydney," Jack murmured into her hair as he held her close. "I thought I'd lost you, Sydney." He kissed the top of her head and then pressed his cheek on the spot he'd kissed, closing his eyes against tears of joy. 

"Daddy," Sydney said brokenly. 

Then she was released from Jack's embrace only to be enfolded into Will's waiting arms. 

"God, Syd. We thought you were dead." 

"I thought you were dead," she replied, before she realized they probably didn't know about her memory loss. She shifted back from Will and glanced uncomfortably at Vaughn. 

"What's wrong?" Jack and Will asked simultaneously. Vaughn and Sydney exchanged a glance. Jack stepped towards Vaughn. 

"What is wrong with my daughter, Michael?" Sydney lifted her eyebrows for a moment, then realized that upon Sydney and Vaughn's engagement, her father had probably stopped calling him "Agent Vaughn." 

"Jack, Will, you should both sit down." 

"Michael," Jack began, then catching the look in Sydney's eyes, motioned to Will. "Let's sit." They sat, Sydney and Vaughn next to each other on the room's couch, Jack and Will each sitting in a chair. 

"What's wrong with Sydney?" Jack repeated when they were settled. 

"Sydney is experiencing some memory loss." 

"How much memory loss?" Jack asked tersely. 

"The last thing I remember is going unconscious after my fight with the woman who was made to look like Francie," Sydney said quickly. 

Jack and Will sat in stunned silence until Will blurted out, "Syd, that's almost four years ago!" 

"So I've been told," she said with a glance at Vaughn. He took her hand and squeezed it gently. 

"Syd, why don't you go into the bedroom?" He glanced at Jack, who nodded slightly. "Jack and Will brought some stuff for us, you can check and make sure you like what they brought you. Then you can just lie down. You're tired, I can tell." 

Sydney knew he was just trying to get her out of the room so that he could talk about her with Will and her father, but he was right – she was tired. Too tired to even care that she was about to be discussed like a child. If she was awake too much longer, she was certain that she would soon be acting like a child. So she simply nodded. 

"Okay." She squeezed his hand and stood up. Pausing to kiss Will and her father on the cheek, she crossed the room to the bedroom. 


End file.
